الجمعة، 19 يناير 2018

the year 2017 in retrospect - (pasted from my instagram account)

  • "Difficult to look back on the year because I can barely remember the last two months... but after brainstorming and scrolling through my ig, highlights of the year 2017 are:

    Dropping phone in toilet, PIL, LSC’s weekly book review, Gilmore Girls, Orla’s door of sticky notes, Hajer’s pile of chokers, exam prep in Gab’s dining hall, Linguistic Soc, tutoring, train rides to visit Roya, mbti, the year of being gifted beautiful diaries but not writing enough, crash course big history, dangly earrings, failed attempt at MAL and losing pink thermos, Mama’s new cd on repeat, Peri Peri Perry and gratitude, Lala Land with Maryam, the not-at-all-racist southport (not being sarcastic), photoshoots with Roya, طه حسين, Lumineers’s ballad of Cleopatra, Ashwoods and Alarab and LFJL, رضوى عاشور, house hunting and the longest walks with Ana while fasting, Atwood, lecturer that was in love with leases, aliens, the notorious yellow anthology, panda, the McLaren twins ‘my day is wonderful’, catching the v early morning viewing of Despicable Me 2 with Hajer, PhD in BS with Prae, Anchor Coffee House, summer hike, building desk and bookshelf, pile of bday presents, Gary’s House, second go at rocket world, matching fluffy slippers with Hajer, chrysanthemums and germinis, failed makeover, Lit Up Chapter 1, رسائل مش ألف مع رؤيا, brown lip liners, pretty windows, goodreads nightmare, on-and-off caffeine but a good 2+ months of realising I’m just as alert decaffeinated, Hergla beach, Tame Impala’s Let It Happen, Stockport project, baby blue denim jacket, Dipa’s New Rules, failed table topic, شهيقة مروان الأربعيني.......... tbc"

[originally posted on instagram 1/1/2018, subsequently edited] 

الأربعاء، 17 يناير 2018

مرات

مرات و أني مقعمزة قدام شاشة اللابتوب، نتخيل انفجار الجهاز في وجهي دون مقدمات: ينغرز زجاج الشاشة في جلدي و تلتهم الحرارة الحائط من ورائي و أصابعي مازال تتكتك على لوحة المفاتيح. قلبي يطيح، زي ما يطيح و أني نتفرج على مشهد مؤلم في فيلم، او نسمع حد يوصف جرح، او نشوف حد يعفس على طرف مرش. و مرات نتصور ذبابة او صرصور او تمساح يتسلقني و ينتهي به في فمي: أبتلعه دون أن أدري، اذ أنني في حلم يخبرني بأن الغد سيكون جميل او في كابوس يحذرني من بعد غد.
مرات نحساب ابتسامة الغريب للي وراي ليا، و مرات نتخيل دم الشهر نزيف من رصاصة نسيت أنني أصبت بها، و مرات ما نقدرش نتخلص من رائحة بيتزا حتى بعد ما نغسل ايديا عشرين مرة، و مرات نتخيل قلة جهدي و شغلي سيتحول بقوة الأمل الى امتياز. مرات نتخيل روحي جرحت غيري بأظافري رغم قصرها و مرات نحساب ضوء النهار شمس ساطعة و مرات نظن ان غدوة حيكون يوم جديد لبداية جديدة....... مرات نبدأ فكرة بدون ما نكملها، زي توا. 

pebbles or freckles or pale blue dots: anatomy of an unacknowledged yearning to be acknowledged

two tiny pebbles
one under each eye
another: hiding beneath the tip of the chin
one between nose and cheek
and one, a lighter shade, mirrored on the left

a map of expressions
drawing out clear directions to the heart, or the mind, or the soul, or the desire
not nearly as colourful or as vivid as the constant swarm of empty filler words
spilling out from the lips - empty words that signify far more than their dictionary definition implies
words that hide the fact nothing in the last hour or two has been said
or acknowledged
or decided
yet, they can't keep up with the pebbles

one on the neck, floating on the surface of the throat
one grazing the right arm
and one, hidden somewhere: above the knee, or down the thigh, or near the scar
perhaps kept in the dresser

pebbles
in contrast to the palette of temptation they lay on
muffling the yearning to be picked up
never to be thrown into the ocean
eternally condemned to mistake roots for corals

pebbles
heavier than flags on a map
rounder than words in a dictionary
they hit to scar, to bleed out.. to refine

they litter your palette
they shut you up
they plant it with roses before your toes ever get to touch the water
they make you yearn for flowers instead of reefs

you are now full of pebbles yourself:
one under each eye
one beneath the tip of the chin
two on either side of the nose

pebbles
that let loose the heart, or the mind, or the soul, or the desire.